The World According to Humphrey Read online

  The weekend after Thanksgiving break, I went home with Pay-Attention-Art. He paid a lot of attention to me.

  But sometimes—not every night—during the week, Mrs. Brisbane would take me home to see Mr. Brisbane and he’d put up his obstacle course and we’d laugh and squeak and have a wonderful time.

  The next weekend I stayed at Gail Morgenstern’s house. Friday night was really nice because she convinced her mom to let me watch while she lit the menorah for the family. And the food was yummy.

  I was glad that Mrs. Brisbane didn’t take me home every night. For one thing, if I ran the obstacle course every night, I’d probably waste away to nothing. For another thing, I wouldn’t have been able to see Aldo.

  Aldo could now balance the broom on his head. Yep, he’d put the tip of the broomstick on top of his head and keep it up there a while. He’d have to bob and weave to keep it balanced and he made funny faces, too.

  But one night during the week, Aldo pulled his chair up close to my cage and said, “Humphrey, old pal, I’ve got something to discuss.”

  This sounded serious, so I put on my most serious, problem-solving face.

  “I’m thinking of getting Maria a ring for Christmas. You know, like an engagement ring. With something shiny in it. I know, we haven’t known each other very long. And we wouldn’t have to get married right away. On the other hand, I’m no spring chicken and I’d like to settle down and raise a couple of kids and maybe a couple of hamsters, too, you know?”

  “I understand,” I squeaked softly.

  “So what do you think?” Aldo fixed his big brown eyes on me. “Should I ask her to marry me?”

  I stood up on my hind legs and screeched, “DO IT-DO IT-DO IT!”

  Then he stood up and shouted, “You’re right! I will! I’d be crazy not to!”

  He raced out of the room so fast, he forgot his cleaning cart, but when he returned for it, he yelled, “Thanks!”

  Sometimes—most times—it pays to squeak up.

  The third weekend after Thanksgiving I spent at Heidi Hopper’s house and watched her family put up their Christmas tree. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, second only to the little tree Heidi put in my cage. It was made of my favorite treat: broccoli!

  And then, it was almost holiday vacation.

  Suddenly, it seemed as if we didn’t have quite as much work to do in class. Everybody was planning the holiday party for the last day of school.

  One day, Garth (who never used to wait for the bell) stayed after school to ask Mrs. Brisbane a question.

  “May I please bring Humphrey home with me over the holidays?” he asked.

  Mrs. Brisbane looked as surprised as I was. “Well, Garth, I thought that was a problem.”

  Garth smiled broadly. “My mom is much better now and Dad says it’s okay to bring Humphrey home.”

  Mrs. Brisbane smiled back. “That is wonderful news. But I think two weeks might be a little much. How about the first weekend in January?”

  Garth nodded, but he looked disappointed.

  “Tell you what, why don’t you have your parents bring you by our house to see Humphrey over the holidays? You can watch him run his obstacle course.”

  Garth didn’t look disappointed anymore.

  On the last day of school, everybody was very dressed up. I had on my fur coat as usual. Mrs. Brisbane wore a red-and-green striped sweater and a green skirt. She also wore a Santa Claus hat.

  This was an entirely new Mrs. Brisbane. The dressing-up Mrs. Brisbane.

  “Class, I have an important announcement. We’re having a surprise visitor this morning, before our party. So there’ll be no vocabulary test today.”

  After the cheers died down, Mrs. Brisbane went out in the hall and waved. A minute later, you’ll never guess who entered the classroom. Mr. Bert Brisbane!

  He was wearing a Santa Claus hat, too. He looked a lot better now. No gray stubble or wrinkled pajamas. On his lap, he had a large box. Mrs. Brisbane introduced him to the class and they all applauded. Then he told them that his surprise was actually for ME-ME-ME!

  First, he pulled out something like my cage—only bigger.

  “This is my gift to Humphrey. This extension attaches to his cage and makes it bigger. Now you’re all going to help me build Humphrey his holiday present: his very own playground.”

  The kids squealed and giggled and clapped, and I couldn’t hold back a big squeal of my own. I could keep my homey cage with its lock-that-doesn’t-lock, but I’d also have my own park to play in!

  Mr. Brisbane gathered my classmates around the big table and explained his plans. Mrs. Brisbane unloaded the pieces. First there was a seesaw, then a tree branch to swing from, a big jungle gym and two ladders: one to climb and one to walk across like a bridge. MY-MY-MY!

  Sayeh held me while the other kids worked on my cage. She patted me gently and murmured comforting words. Meanwhile, Mr. Brisbane patiently instructed the children as they arranged the pieces. He even made sure everyone got a turn.

  Then Mr. Morales dropped by to see how things were going. He was wearing a tie that had little Christmas lights that really lit up!

  He and Mrs. Brisbane stood behind the children, watching as my playground took shape.

  “Looks like Bert should be a teacher, too,” the principal told Mrs. Brisbane.

  “He already is,” I heard Mrs. Brisbane respond. “He just started teaching arts and crafts to seniors and kids at the Community Center.”

  “So he’s made a new start,” said the principal.

  “Thanks to Humphrey.”

  I believe those words were the best present I could ever have.

  “Guess what I got my kids for Christmas?” the principal asked. “A hamster. Maybe it’s a present for me, as well. I think my papa will enjoy it, too.”

  When Sayeh put me back in my cage, everyone watched as I raced to my new playground, climbed the jungle gym, made a leap to the tree branch and jumped over to the seesaw. Now I could have recess anytime I wanted. Whoopee!

  Just then, the room mothers arrived with cupcakes and juice. While they passed the food out, Sayeh and Miranda slipped quietly out of the room.

  A little while later, Mrs. Brisbane announced that she had another surprise: gifts for the class. The door opened and in came Miranda and Sayeh, wearing red dresses trimmed in white fur (not real fur like mine) and white fur hats. They each had a basket filled with small presents and they danced around the room singing a song about the wonders of winter while they passed the gifts out. When the kids opened their packages, they each found a key chain with a small furry toy hamster attached. The hamsters came in all colors: red, green, purple, gold, silver. Nice.

  The room mothers presented Mrs. Brisbane with a gift—a pair of red earrings, which she put on right away.

  I already thought it was a perfect day. But it wasn’t really quite perfect until Mr. Morales peeked out into the hall and announced that he had a big surprise.

  I wasn’t sure we could stand many more surprises. And then she walked in. The biggest surprise I could imagine.

  Ms. Mac was back!

  She was wearing a long flowered skirt and a bright red blouse, and she had a butterfly in her hair. (Not a real one, of course.) She also had a huge canvas bag with her.

  “Remember me?” she asked with a huge smile.

  My classmates were thrilled and they all rushed to her side.

  I was so surprised, I was positively squeakless.

  Mrs. Brisbane made everyone sit down again and asked Ms. Mac (of course, she insisted on calling her Ms. McNamara) about her travels.

  Ms. Mac told us about the rain forest and teaching in a school in Brazil. Then she opened her big bag and took out a stack of holiday cards. Her Brazilian students had made a card for each child in Room 26!

  While my classmates were sharing their cards with one another, Ms. Mac came over to see me at last.

  “Well, I can see by your cage that you’ve done very wel
l for yourself,” she said with a smile. “And here I thought you’d be pining away for me.”

  “I HAVE!” I squeaked.

  She reached into her big bag. “And I have a present for you. But don’t tell anybody.”

  She pulled out a brand-new tiny notebook with blank pages—lots of them. And a new tiny pencil with a very sharp point. “I thought you might need this.” Then she tucked it behind my mirror.

  Ms. Mac stared at me a little longer, then softly said, “I’ve seen a lot of creatures in a lot of places in the last few months, but you’re still the handsomest and smartest of all.”

  YES-YES-YES!

  “And don’t worry. I’ll be back to see you again.”

  She was still the same wonderful Ms. Mac. I’d follow her to the ends of the earth, I thought. Or at least to Brazil.

  But then, it hit me. As much as I love her and she loves me, Ms. Mac doesn’t need me. Not as much as the Brisbanes and my classmates and their families do. Maybe that’s what Ms. Mac was thinking when she left me in Room 26. This is where I belong.

  All too soon, the bell rang. School was over for the day. School was over for the rest of the year. My head was reeling from all the surprises and excitement as we headed out to the car.

  In the parking lot, Aldo raced over to greet us and wish us happy holidays. He had come to pick Richie up.

  “I hope you have a very happy holiday, too,” Mrs. Brisbane told Aldo.

  Aldo grinned until his huge mustache shook like Santa’s tummy. “I’m sure I will. You see, I just got engaged! I’m going to get married!”

  “Yahoo!” I squeaked with delight.

  Aldo leaned toward me. “Thanks, my friend.”

  That night at the Brisbanes’ house there was one more surprise. The doorbell rang and a very tall and good-looking young man appeared. He was wearing a Santa Claus hat, but he wasn’t Santa.

  He was Jason, the Brisbanes’ son. He’d come all the way from Tokyo to surprise his parents. They were so happy to see him, they both cried just a little.

  I almost cried, too.

  Soon, the house was filled with friends and neighbors and Mrs. Brisbane played piano while everyone sang carols and drank hot cider.

  I nibbled on raw apple and squeaked along.

  Later that night, when the house was quiet, I thought about all I’d done in the months since I had left Pet-O-Rama. I didn’t know anything about the world then, but I’ve sure learned a lot. I can read and write and I know all the state capitals. Just ask me one!

  I learned you should never ever turn your back on a dog. And that it’s a good idea to turn off the TV once in a while.

  I found out kids have problems and so do teachers and principals. Sometimes all people need is a little encouragement.

  Most of all, I learned that one small hamster really can make a big difference.

  I decided to write down some of the things I’ve learned from my adventures, but there was just one more line left in my first notebook. So I thought and thought and then I scribbled down exactly what I was feeling deep in my hamster heart:JOY-JOY-JOY to the WHOLE WIDE WORLD!

  (And that includes YOU!)

  Humphrey

  Humphrey’s Guide to the Care and Feeding of Humans

  1. Like hamsters, humans come in many, many sizes, shapes, colors, talents and tempers. If you judge them by looks alone, you’ll miss out on knowing some wonderful people.

  2. Humans like to be entertained. And it doesn’t take much to entertain them. Just squeak or swing or spin. They’ll love it!

  3. Humans are pretty entertaining themselves. They can sing, dance, tell jokes and balance brooms.

  4. All humans REALLY-REALLY-REALLY need someone to listen to their problems. Preferably someone small and furry.

  5. Even really important humans (like principals) have problems and need help.

  6. Rubber bands hurt. Do not shoot rubber bands at one another. Unless it’s absolutely the only weapon you have against a creature much bigger than you.

  7. Humans are not very good at figuring out technical things, like how to fix a broken lock.

  8. Humans have unlimited access to all kinds of yummy foods, so be nice to them!

  9. If you are nice to humans, they will be nice to you. So nice, they might even build you a playground.

  10. Humans have good memories. Even if they go far away to teach in another country, they will not forget you. And believe me, you won’t forget them, either!

  Most importantly, remember:

  You can learn a lot about yourself

  by getting to know another species.

  Even humans.