Surprises According to Humphrey Read online

  I raced across the floor, leaped up to grab the cord of the blinds and madly started it swinging.

  “SCREEEEE!” That was Og’s most serious warning. As soon as I was almost level with the table, I let go of the cord and slid across the table, landing with a thud right next to my cage.

  The door to Room 26 opened and I heard the familiar sounds of my friends chatting away as they came into the classroom.

  “Take your seats,” Mrs. Brisbane told them.

  I was at great risk of being discovered as I darted into my cage and pulled the door behind me. Luckily, no one was watching.

  “Thanks, Oggy,” I told my neighbor. All I heard was splashing.

  “What on earth…?” Mrs. Brisbane stared down at the letters on the floor. “Kirk, is this more of your work?”

  “Huh?” It wasn’t one of Kirk’s funniest lines.

  “Never mind,” said Mrs. Brisbane. “But remember, April Fools’ Day is over now.”

  “I didn’t do it,” Kirk protested.

  “LOOK-LOOK-LOOK!” I squeaked. No one noticed. I glanced at Richie. If only he understood that his uncle was in danger. “Richie, look!”

  Richie paid no attention. He was busy scribbling in his notebook.

  Mrs. Brisbane gathered the letters, stacked them up again and put them on her desk.

  All that work for nothing! I was out of breath, out of luck and for once, out of ideas. So I did the only thing a small hamster can do: I took a nap. After all, I’d need to be alert if aliens from outer space invaded Room 26.

  At the end of the day, Mrs. Brisbane asked, “Now, who will be taking Humphrey home this weekend?”

  “Me!” a voice called out.

  It was Heidi Hopper, of course.

  Mrs. Brisbane shook her head. “You didn’t raise your hand, Heidi. I think maybe you need another week to work on that. Now, who else would like Humphrey?”

  Several hands waved in the air. Through the months, I’d gone home at least once with all my fellow students and they all invited me back again.

  “Garth, is it all right with your parents?” she asked.

  “Yes, ma’am. They signed the paper.” He pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket and held it up. Mrs. Brisbane walked to his desk and looked at it.

  “All right, then. Humphrey is going to the Tugwells’ house tomorrow,” she announced.

  I felt sorry for Heidi, who looked so disappointed.

  Garth, on the other hand, looked happy for the first time all week.

  DREAM: Like a surprise, a dream can be good or bad. Dreams are pictures you see in your head while you are asleep. Daydreams, unlike other dreams, happen when you’re awake. They can be very nice, but teachers don’t like them.

  Humphrey’s Dictionary of Wonderful Words

  Surprise Attack

  That night, after dark, the being from outer space returned to clean Room 26. As nervous as I was about Aldo’s disappearance, I was glad that she’d said she couldn’t operate on anyone for a while. She wasn’t going to take off for the planet Spurling until summer, so I had a little time to save my friend.

  Still, when she came up to my cage with a piece of broccoli, I just had to squeak up. “Release Aldo right away! And go back to where you came from.”

  “Gee, you’re a feisty little thing,” she said.

  That was a first. She was talking to me. “You’re so cute, I’d like to take you home with me.”

  “BOING!” That was Og’s reaction.

  My reaction was to quiver and shiver, just thinking of being taken to the far-off planet of Spurling, home of the alien carrots.

  “BOING-BOING-BOING!” Og twanged.

  The creature giggled and then pushed the cart out of the room and turned out the lights.

  The room was dead silent for a few seconds. Maybe longer. At last, I stopped twitching long enough to squeak. “Og, she wants to capture us!”

  Og splashed briskly.

  “We can’t let her do it!”

  He splashed a whole lot more.

  I was relieved to be going home with Garth for the weekend. But my friend Og usually stayed in Room 26 for the weekend, since he could go longer without eating than I could. I wouldn’t rest easily, knowing Og might be going to outer space while I was having a grand old time with Garth.

  “Morning, Sue. Got something for me?” Mr. Morales was all smiles when he came in Room 26 on Friday morning. His tie had little kites with red tails trailing down.

  “Oh, sorry. I forgot again,” Mrs. Brisbane replied.

  The principal’s smile quickly faded. “Is there a problem, Sue?”

  “No, I just forgot. I’ll bring it Monday,” Mrs. Brisbane declared.

  Mr. Morales looked a little worried, and I didn’t blame him. Mrs. Brisbane had NEVER-NEVER-NEVER forgotten anything before. Goodness, if she could forget something important that Mr. Morales wanted, she could forget something else important, like helping my friends and me learn our vocabulary words!

  I was worried about my teacher, and there was more to worry about. Garth and A.J. still weren’t acting like old friends. In fact, Garth went to great lengths to avoid A.J., which wasn’t easy, because their desks were very close.

  At the end of the day, A.J. tapped Garth on the shoulder. “You taking Humphrey on the bus?” he asked.

  “No, my mom’s picking us up,” Garth replied.

  “Can I have a ride?” A.J. was at least trying to be friendly.

  “Nope. We have to stop somewhere on the way home.” Garth turned his back on A.J. and came over to my cage. I could tell his feelings were still hurt.

  He gathered up my cage, food and even the new hamster ball. While he did, I had a last-minute message for Og.

  “I wish you were going with me, Og! I hope you’ll still be here when I get back!” I squeaked.

  “BOING-BOING!” he twanged at the top of his voice.

  I wondered if there were any frogs—or hamsters—on the planet Spurling, but I didn’t want to find out in person.

  “Farewell, froggy friend!” were my parting words.

  I’d had several adventures on the bus with A.J. and Garth, but on that day, Garth’s mother picked us up in a very tall car. Garth’s brother, Andy, was in the backseat.

  “Ham!” Andy shouted. I didn’t mind. He was little and didn’t know the difference between a hamster and a ham yet.

  The ride home was smooth, nothing like the bumpy bus. Strangely enough, we didn’t make a stop, like Garth told A.J. Instead, we went straight home.

  Once I was settled on the family room table, I heard an odd twanging noise that reminded me a lot of Og. Could my friend have come along after all?

  “BOING!” went the sound. Then “BLING-BLING.” That didn’t sound like Og at all.

  Garth came into the room, carrying a large stringed instrument. He ran his fingers over the strings and out came the sounds. “BLING-BLANG-BLING!”

  It sounded quite nice.

  “How do you like my guitar?” Garth asked.

  “It’s unsqueakably wonderful!” I replied. I was just sorry all that came out was SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK!

  “I’ve been taking lessons,” Garth told me. “Want to hear a song?”

  “Of course.”

  He strummed those strings and played a great version of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” I only heard two mistakes, and they were small ones.

  “Bravo!” I squeaked when he was finished.

  “Did you like it?” asked Garth. “Here’s one called ‘Down in the Valley.’”

  He played it from start to finish, without any mistakes at all that I could hear.

  “Bravo!” I shouted again.

  My classmates constantly surprise me with their talents. Tabitha and Seth know so much about sports, Sayeh sings beautifully and Art can draw. And ever since his birthday party where a magician performed, Richie’s been doing magic tricks. I could never figure out how he did them.

  Now Garth was pl
aying the guitar. I only wish our other friends in Room 26 could hear him.

  When his fingers got tired, Garth decided to clean out my cage. He was very surprised to find the hidden carrot and cauliflower. “Hey, Humphrey, are you on a diet?” he asked me.

  “Be careful,” I warned him. “They’re from the planet Spurling. They may not be safe!”

  Luckily, he threw them in the trash and examined my food bowl. It was empty, so he knew I’d been eating something.

  “I guess you were just full,” said Garth. “But I’d better watch what you eat this weekend.”

  I could guarantee him I’d eat just about anything, as long as it was from the planet Earth!

  That night, I was more awake than usual. Yes, I’m nocturnal, so I normally feel a little peppier at night than during the day. But what kept me awake that night was the thought of Og. I could almost picture him boarding the spaceship and taking off for Spurling.

  I hoped they understood frog language there.

  “It’s a beautiful day! We should all go outside,” Garth’s mom announced the next morning.

  She was right. The Tugwells’ yard was a carpet of green grass with red and yellow flowers blooming around the sides. Two-lips, Garth’s mother called them.

  Garth put my cage on a table on the patio. Garth’s dad pushed Andy on a swing in the back of the yard while Garth’s mom dug around in the dirt, planting seeds.

  “Come on, Humphrey, you need some exercise,” Garth said as he gently took me out of my cage. “Let’s try your hamster ball.”

  I would have preferred to run freely in the grass—just like my wild ancestors once did—but at least I had the chance to roll on it. The grass looked even brighter and greener from inside the yellow plastic.

  “Watch him go,” Garth said. His mom, dad and brother gathered around. The sound was a little muffled, but I could hear them laughing.

  It was harder to make the ball move on the grass than it had been on the slick floors of Longfellow School. The ground wasn’t even, and once in a while, I’d hit a bump and veer off in an unexpected direction. But I didn’t mind because it was fun to explore the yard on my own.

  Garth’s mom went back to planting seeds, and his dad helped her.

  “Want to roll!” Andy insisted, so Garth showed Andy how to do a somersault. Then Garth helped Andy get his legs over his head and roll across the lawn.

  “Roll, Ham!” Andy called to me. “Roll!”

  So I rolled some more until I hit a hill. It wasn’t a big hill, but it was enough of a slope for my ball to pick up speed. Faster. And faster. And a little bit faster.

  It was fun! It was exciting!

  It was also SCARY-SCARY-SCARY! I stopped walking, but the ball kept rolling. I knew that cars slow down when humans step on the brakes. Unfortunately, hamster balls don’t have brakes, so I tried to flatten myself on my tummy, pushing down hard with my paws, hoping that would help slow the ball down.

  It didn’t. The ball rolled and rolled and rolled some more until it finally came to a stop near some bushes at the back of the yard. Whew!

  The ball may have stopped, but my head was still spinning. I was tired and a little thirsty, but at least I was safe inside the plastic.

  It was nice in the shade. Dark, leafy and quiet. A little too quiet.

  I could hear Garth and Andy laughing, but they sounded very far away. And they didn’t sound like they were looking for me. I realized that if they didn’t miss me, I’d never be able to roll the ball back UP the hill.

  I sat there in the ball, catching my breath and hoping to come up with a Plan. I was distracted, however, when a long, dark shadow fell over me.

  I looked up and was shocked to see two beady eyes, a number of huge teeth and horrible long whiskers hovering directly over my head!

  It was—oh, no—a cat!

  “Eek!” I squeaked.

  The face moved in closer to the ball. A long, pink tongue poked out from the sharp white teeth.

  I might have fainted, but I didn’t dare risk it. I needed to stay calm to deal with this crisis, but, “Eek!” I squealed again. I didn’t mean to. It just slipped out.

  A huge paw dropped down on top of the ball. BOOM!—I fell flat on my back. Funny how I’d worried all night about Og’s safety and here I was the one in great danger! (Well, that wasn’t so funny after all.)

  The cat leaned in closer and opened his mouth wider to show off his pointed teeth, just in case I missed them the first time. He took his paw off the top of the ball. Whew! Maybe he was losing interest.

  But no, the next thing he did was lie on the ground with the ball—and me—between his front paws. Then he began a charming little game. He batted the ball from one paw to another, which made me feel like I was in a game I saw at Kirk’s house. Pinball, they call it. BOP-BOP-BOP, the ball spun from side to side, and I spun, too. One second I was upside down, then I was right-side up and I also slid from side to side. This might have been the cat’s idea of a fun game but not mine, because I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to be the winner.

  While I was being tossed around, I started wondering how easy it would be for the cat to open the ball and get at me. My cage, after all, has a lock-that-doesn’t-lock. What if this hamster ball had a catch-that-doesn’t-catch? The catch was…I’d be caught!

  “Sweetums? Where are you, Sweetums? Time for din-din!” I heard a voice call in the distance. The cat’s head suddenly jerked to one side. So this must be the Sweetums who was being called. While he was distracted, I hurled myself against one side of the ball, which then rolled down under a bush.

  “Sweetums, Mommy wants her baby girl to come home! Din-din!” the voice called out again.

  Oops. Sweetums was a girl. A downright mean one, too.

  Sweetums poked her head under the bush and batted at me with her paw. Luckily, the ball was wedged against a branch.

  “SWEE-TUMS!” The voice was more insistent. “Yummy din-din!”

  I guess Sweetums decided that din-din in the dish was more of a sure thing than a hamster in the bush, and she trotted away, leaping over the fence and into the next yard.

  I was relieved, but I was also a little lonely. And a little thirsty, too.

  I suddenly thought that after Sweetums finished her din-din, she might come back to the Tugwells’ yard for dessert. Namely me!

  Speaking of the Tugwells, where were they? They seemed as far away as the planet Spurling.

  CAT: Like dogs, cats are extremely dangerous creatures with sharp teeth, gleaming eyes, pointed claws and an appetite for smaller, cuter animals such as hamsters. If a cat gets hold of a hamster, it can lead to a catastrophe, which I don’t even want to think about.

  Humphrey’s Dictionary of Wonderful Words

  The Hunt Continues

  The Tugwells were looking for me. They just weren’t looking hard enough.

  I could hear them in the distance, calling my name and arguing among themselves.

  “How could you take your eye off him?”

  “I’ve looked everywhere!”

  “Have you checked those bushes?”

  “Of course!”

  “We have to find him before dark!”

  “Maybe we need some help.”

  “Help find Ham!”

  I tried to move my ball, but it wouldn’t budge. I was stuck.

  It was quiet for a while, which made me a little nervous, but I tried to stay very still and rest. I tried not to think about water…or Sweetums.

  I woke up when I heard big footsteps clomping through the grass.

  Voices called out, “Humphrey! Hum-phrey!”

  And one voice was so loud it was unmistakable, saying, “Humphrey, tell us where you are!”

  It had to be A.J.

  “I’m HERE-HERE-HERE!” I squeaked as loudly as a hamster can.

  I guess no one heard me because the voices kept calling.

  “Humphrey! Humphrey! Humphrey!”

  “HERE-HERE-HERE!”

&
nbsp; For some reason, we weren’t making any progress.

  It was quiet again, and then I heard more footsteps, thudding through the grass.

  “Look over there,” a small voice whispered.

  “I’m here!” I squeaked.

  “How about those bushes?” a second voice asked.

  “OVER HERE!” I yelled.

  Then I heard it. “MEEOW!”

  I made the mistake of looking up.

  Sweetums was poised on top of the fence, staring down at me. Din-din was over. It was time for dessert.

  “UNDER THE BUSH!” I yelled at the top of my tiny lungs.

  I heard more footsteps coming closer.

  “Down there,” said a voice. “Ham?”

  That, I knew, was Andy.

  “I’ll crawl under there,” said the other voice.

  It seemed like a long time before I saw someone looking right at me. It wasn’t Sweetums this time, thank goodness. It was DeeLee, A.J.’s little sister.

  “Here’s a ball. Aw, it’s Humphrey. Come here, honey.” DeeLee reached in and grabbed the ball. She was a little rough, but I didn’t mind.

  “Hi, Humphrey.” She had a big smile on her face. So did I.

  “Hi, Ham,” said Andy. I didn’t mind being called a ham. I just didn’t want to be called “dessert.”

  “Meow!” called Sweetums, obviously jealous of the attention I was getting.

  “Hi, pretty kitty,” DeeLee answered.

  I cringed at her cat-friendly tone, but I forgave the girl, because she’d saved me.

  Carrying the ball (and me), DeeLee raced up into the yard. “We found him! We found him!” she squealed.

  Soon, all of Garth’s family and all of A.J.’s family gathered around.

  “Way to go!” said A.J., hugging his sister.

  “Let’s get him to his cage,” said Garth’s mom. “He needs food and water.”

  Boy, she sure got that right.

  As we all hurried toward the house, I thought about Sweetums and how disappointed she must have been.

  Too bad, I thought. I only hoped that Og was as lucky as I was when the aliens came to take him away.

  I drank and drank and drank. I know my friends drink juice and soda, but nothing in the whole wide world tastes better than water. Trust me on that.