Trouble According to Humphrey

  Trouble with a capital T!

  Now Mrs. Brisbane was getting angry. “You’ve had Humphrey in your house. I’ve had him in my house. We didn’t get sick. And the children love to have Humphrey come home with them! The parents love him, too.”

  “Except for the Paynes,” Principal Morales said.

  Mrs. Brisbane got very quiet. She was thinking of something. And I don’t think it was something good.

  “Art Patel is absent today and he had Humphrey at his house last weekend. I’ll call his mother and see what’s wrong with him.”

  “Good idea. And for now …” Principal Morales stopped and glanced over at Og and me. “Maybe you’d better keep Humphrey at your house. Og, too. Mrs. Payne was pretty upset. She even said she might call a lawyer.”

  A lawyer! Was I going to end up in court? Or in jail?

  This wasn’t just Trouble with a capital T.

  This was TOTAL DISASTER with a capital everything!

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  Betty G. Birney

  PUFFIN BOOKS

  PUFFIN BOOKS

  Published by the Penguin Group

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  First published in the United States of America by G. P. Putnam’s Sons,

  a division of Penguin Young Readers Group, 2007

  Published by Puffin Books, a division of Penguin Young Readers Group, 2008

  1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

  Copyright © Betty G. Birney, 2007

  All rights reserved

  THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS HAS CATALOGED THE G. P. PUTNAM’S SONS EDITION AS FOLLOWS:

  Birney, Betty G. Trouble according to Humphrey / Betty G. Birney. p. cm.

  Summary: Humphrey, the pet hamster of Longfellow School’s Room 26, relates the ups and downs experienced by his human classmates as they begin a project to create a model town complete with houses and community services.

  ISBN: 978-1-101-65368-5

  [1. Hamsters—Fiction. 2. Schools—Fiction. 3. Interpersonal relations—Fiction.]

  I. Title. PZ7.B52285Tr 2007 [Fic]—dc22 2006003604

  Printed in the United States of America

  Designed by Gina DiMassi and Katrina Damkoehler

  Text set in Stempel Schneidler

  Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.

  To my son,

  Walshe Hinson Birney,

  who is as big-hearted

  and clever as Humphrey—

  but a lot taller!

  Special thanks to

  Dr. Christina Swindall,

  Judy Brady and the

  Studio City Animal Hospital,

  Studio City, California;

  and to Stephanie Kelly

  of Slidell, Louisiana.

  Contents

  1: Before the Trouble

  2: The Problem with Paul

  3: The Situation with the Stevensons

  4: The Great Cage Catastrophe

  5: Miranda in Trouble

  6: The Difficulty with Art

  7: Test Distress

  8: Double Trouble

  9: Too Much Payne

  10: My Payne-full Problem

  11: The Difficulty with Dr. Drew

  12: The Domino Decision

  13: In a Tight Spot

  14: Home Sweet Humphreyville

  Humphrey’s Tips for Staying Out (and Getting Out) of Trouble

  Before the Trouble

  Welcome to our brand-new town!”

  Mrs. Brisbane’s voice woke me from my cozy afternoon doze. Was I dreaming when I heard her mention a new town? Had we moved while I was having my afternoon nap?

  Staying awake is a constant problem for a classroom hamster like me. After all, hamsters are nocturnal, which means we’re sleepier in the daytime than at night. I always try hard to keep up with my fellow students in Room 26. However, I’d spent the long Presidents’ Day Weekend at Kirk Chen’s house. His whole family is funny like he is. It was hard to get much sleeping done there since I was laughing all the time.

  But with Mrs. Brisbane’s announcement, I was suddenly wide-awake. I looked around and saw that I was in the same old Room 26 in my same old cage on the table next to the window. Og the Frog’s same old glass house sat next to mine.

  Around me were the usual tables and the familiar students like Speak-Up-Sayeh, Lower-Your-Voice-A.J. and Wait-for-the-Bell-Garth. Mrs. Brisbane stood in front of the class as usual.

  I guess I wasn’t the only one who was confused. “What new town?” Heidi Hopper asked.

  “Please Raise-Your-Hand-Heidi,” Mrs. Brisbane said. “Since we are studying how communities work, I thought it was time to create our own community of Room Twenty-sixville.”

  Whew! I was relieved because I love our classroom right where it is and I wasn’t in the mood to move.

  “BOING!” said Og in his twangy voice. I guess he was relieved, too.

  “We’ve been studying about what makes a community—right?” asked Mrs. Brisbane.

  YES-YES-YES, I’d learned a lot about communities recently. First, I learned that there are two m’s in the word. I’m trying to remember that in case it shows up on a spelling test in the future. I’d learned that a community isn’t just a place on a map, it’s also made up of the people who live there. (I’m sure Mrs. Brisbane meant to include animals, too, but forgot to mention us.)

  I’d also learned that everyone’s job helps the community in some way or another. Police officers and fire fighters work to protect us. Some people sell books or clothes or even wonderful pets like me! Some people grow and sell food, some keep the streets clean and others, like Aldo, our custodian, keep the classrooms clean. Doctors take care of people when they are sick and dentists help folks keep their teeth healthy.

  Then there’s the biggest job of all: teacher. Teachers like Mrs. Brisbane help us learn about things we wouldn’t know otherwise, such as the lif
e cycle of a frog (though I still can’t picture Og as a tadpole), how to write a poem and the way to add and subtract big numbers. Sometimes my paw gets tired from writing down really long problems in the tiny notebook I keep hidden behind my mirror, but I keep writing anyway because it’s important.

  My mind wandered while Mrs. Brisbane continued to talk about all we’d learned until I realized—oh, no!—I wasn’t listening at all! If I kept daydreaming, I’d end up like Pay-Attention-Art Patel, who only paid attention in class about half the time and whose recent grades, I’m sorry to say, were dreadful. Not at all like Speak-Up-Sayeh, the quiet girl who always paid attention and got the best grades in class. (Better than mine, I have to admit.)

  There I was again, my mind wandering to Art’s problems instead of listening to Mrs. Brisbane. I hopped up on my ladder and vowed to listen to every word she said.

  “It’s one thing to talk about a community and another thing to be part of one,” the teacher was saying. “So that’s why I decided to create our own community here. We’ll lay out our town right in this classroom and everyone will have a job.”

  Garth’s hand shot up. “Will we get paid?”

  “Not in money. You will get points for doing your jobs correctly and extra points for doing your job especially well.”

  Another hand went up. Mrs. Brisbane called on Don’t-Complain-Mandy Payne. “I don’t like the name Room Twenty-sixville,” she said.

  I don’t think Mandy realizes how much she complains.

  Mrs. Brisbane smiled. “Do you have a better name?”

  Mandy scratched the tip of her nose. “Brisbaneville?”

  “I don’t want to name it after me,” said the teacher. “Besides, there already is a famous town named Brisbane. It’s in Australia and they pronounce it ‘Brisbin’”

  “Maybe we should call it Boringville,” a low voice muttered.

  “I-Heard-That-Kirk,” Mrs. Brisbane said. “It was a rude thing to say. Do you really think school is boring?”

  “Sorry. I was making a joke.” I believed him because Kirk is such a big joker. He’s also a quick thinker. “Og looks pretty bored,” he said.

  All heads—including mine—turned to gaze at Og, who sat completely motionless on his rock, staring into space without even blinking.

  “Og is a frog,” Mrs. Brisbane said. “He always looks that way.”

  I’m never completely sure what Og thinks, but I don’t think Room 26 is a boring place at all. I decided to squeak up on the subject, so I leaped up and grabbed on to a leafy tree branch our teacher’s husband, Mr. Brisbane, put in my cage. He was always adding new and interesting things to my home, like my ladders and a large cage extension.

  Mrs. Brisbane turned toward me. “Humphrey certainly doesn’t seem bored.”

  I loudly squeaked, “NO-NO-NO,” and jumped to another branch.

  “Let’s call it Humphreyville!” That was definitely A.J.’s loud voice and this time he forgot to raise his hand, too.

  “Humphreyville!” Voices burst out from around the room, along with chuckles and giggles.

  “Humphreyville?” Mrs. Brisbane thought it over. Unfortunately, it was hard to think because Gail had gone into one of her giggling fits.

  “Stop-Giggling-Gail,” said the teacher. “Please. Now what do the rest of you think. Miranda?”

  Miranda Golden—or Golden-Miranda, as I like to think of her—didn’t hesitate a bit. “I love the name!”

  “Sayeh? What do you think?”

  For once, quiet Speak-Up-Sayeh didn’t have any trouble speaking up. “Yes, it sounds like a real place.”

  “What is it again?” Pay-Attention-Art asked.

  “Humphreyville,” Sayeh told him.

  “I never heard of a town named after a hamster,” said Art.

  Well, I may be a hamster, but I’m no ordinary hamster. I am an exceptionally cute Golden Hamster (I’ve been told) who happens to know how to read and write. Not that anyone knows about that except me. Or the fact that my cage has a lock-that-doesn’t-lock so I can come and go as I please when no one’s looking.

  “Humphreyville,” Art repeated. “Sounds pretty good.”

  I saw lots of heads nodding and heard murmuring around the class that sounded as if people were agreeing.

  Imagine—a whole town named after me! I leaped onto my wheel and began spinning with joy.

  “Why don’t we take a vote?” asked Mrs. Brisbane. “All those in favor of naming our community ‘Humphreyville,’ raise your hands.”

  While I was spinning, I could see hands going up. Even Heidi remembered to raise her hand. Every hand was raised except one: Tabitha’s. I stopped spinning.

  Tabitha was the new girl in our class and I thought she liked me. I’d even helped her make friends with Seth, although she didn’t actually know it. I have some sneaky, squeaky ways of making things like that happen.

  “Tabitha, do you have another suggestion for a name?” Mrs. Brisbane asked.

  “No,” said Tabitha. “I like Humphreyville. I’m just afraid Og will be jealous.”

  Jealous! I hadn’t thought about that, even though when Mrs. Brisbane brought Og in as a second classroom pet, I’d been jealous of him. It’s embarrassing to admit it, but it’s true.

  “That’s something to think about, isn’t it? After all, if we named our community ‘Tabithaville,’ the other students might be jealous,” the teacher agreed.

  “Yeah, and it’s hard to say,” Heidi blurted out.

  “Heidi, you simply must remember to raise your hand!” Mrs. Brisbane had helped a lot students change their bad habits. Somehow, she’d never been able to get Heidi to remember to raise her hand.

  “Now, class, why don’t we let Og decide?” The teacher walked over to the frog’s glass house. “Og, do you vote for Humphreyville?”

  I wasn’t expecting much, because I’d learned that Og, being a frog, has an unusual way of expressing himself. His “BOINGs” are nothing like the energetic squeaks of a hamster or the giggles and shouts of the kids. In fact, sometimes Og doesn’t communicate at all. Still, he and I had learned to be friends. So I wouldn’t have been surprised if he just continued to sit motionless, as usual.

  But that’s not what he did at all! Instead, he started leaping up and down on his rock, splashing water up on Mrs. Brisbane’s chin. “BOING-BOING-BOING!” he twanged as only Og can do.

  The students laughed uproariously. Even Mrs. Brisbane chuckled as she wiped the water off. “Thank you for your vote, Og. Now let’s try again. All in favor of naming our new community ‘Humphreyville,’ raise your hands.”

  This time every hand went up, including Tabitha’s. Whew! She liked me after all. Og stopped leaping and splashing and sat quietly on his rock again.

  Mrs. Brisbane looked pleased. “Welcome, class, to the town of Humphreyville!” She wrote the name on the board in great big letters. “And to keep track of the progress of our town, we’ll be starting a daily newspaper. I think The Humphreyville Herald would be a good name, don’t you?”

  My friends all agreed!

  My heart hopped around in my chest like a happy frog. Had any hamster ever been honored like this before? Probably not. I decided right then and there that I would try to remain as humble as possible and do whatever I could to make Humphreyville the BEST-BEST-BEST town in the world!

  I jumped on my wheel and spun for a while until I realized that Mrs. Brisbane was still talking. “There’s a whole lot more to building a community than finding a name.”

  I stopped spinning and started listening.

  “What’s the first thing you need when you move to a new place?”

  I knew what I’d need: a cage. There was no point in raising my paw since I never get called on, but a lot of other hands went up. Mrs. Brisbane called on Repeat-It-Please-Richie.

  “A car,” he said. “Or a truck to carry all the stuff you’re moving.”

  “What if you didn’t own anything at all?” asked the teacher. “Wha
t would you need first?”

  “Bargainmart!” Richie said. Everybody laughed. I figured Bargainmart must be some kind of store, like Pet-O-Rama.

  “I think you’re jumping ahead. Tabitha, did you have your hand up?”

  Tabitha nodded. “You’d need a place to live. A house.”

  “Or a tent!” Heidi blurted out.

  “Very good,” said Mrs. Brisbane, ignoring Heidi’s outburst. “Something like a house. Your first assignment is to design a place that represents where you would live in the town. You can draw a picture or make a model out of clay or build it out of cardboard. Be creative and think about what kind of home you’d like for yourself in Humphreyville.”

  The bell rang. “We’ll have math after recess and then we’ll get to work on your homes.”

  Recess is a time when my fellow classmates all go out and play. It must be fun because my friends usually come back laughing and joking. At this time of year—late February—they also come back with rosy cheeks and red noses.

  I always stay inside and try to get some exercise, climbing my ladder or spinning on my wheel. I must admit, sometimes I go in my sleeping hut for a nice nap because remember, I am nocturnal.

  On this day, when Mrs. Brisbane wasn’t paying attention, I sneaked my notebook into my sleeping hut and thought about what kind of house I’d build. I loved my cage, but sometimes I’d think about the fancy houses they sold at Pet-O-Rama. One was a Chinese pagoda and one was like a TALL-TALL-TALL castle. Ms. Mac, the substitute teacher and superb human being who first brought me from the pet store to Room 26 of Longfellow School, couldn’t afford one of those, which was okay with me. Anything Ms. Mac did was fine with me. Yet, it was fun to think about my perfect house.

  After all, if you have a whole town named after you, you should have a nice place to live!

  NEW TOWN IN ROOM 26 TO BE NAMED

  AFTER CLASSROOM HAMSTER!

  Houses will be going up in Humphreyville

  within a week, teacher predicts.

  The Humphreyville Herald